It was the mose amazing 4 hours of my life; so much that it left me numb in thought for hours after. So much was said. pieces of me were laid on the floor left fot you to do as you please the only thing i prayed you wouldn't do was walk away.

I left myself exposed and you picked me up and made me cry with your empathy and compassion. You told me you could never be ashamed of me and that you were so proud of me. You told me i was beautiful and deserved to be treated like a princess, like your princess. You didn't lie to me and for better or worse, you beard your soul as well.
I learned about your first love, your first fuck, and the last girlfriend who broke yourheart. You heard about JP, Jon, heather and my first everything.

I told you word for word about the night my grandpa died and you listened wholely and completely. I told you about my sicknesses and my suicides and the death i have seen and you still sat by my side.
You told me about your grandpa's death and your brother who died when he was 3 and your ideas about marriage and how it is, no question, going to be forever. You told me you loved everything about me and it's hard for you not to devoure me whole. And that you are afraid to say the "L" word because what we have is still so new and frighteningly perfect and right that it scares the both of us to think of what such a powerful love might do.

You told me play by play how we met and what was going through your head the first time you saw me. You told me you fell instantly and it scared the shit out of you. I told you how i was so crazy about you that when i got home, i cried because i was terrified.

Nothing has happened how we planned but he's in the best place he's ever been and i am too. We've both been through hell and we're still here. I love his family and he loves mine. It's only been 3 months but i know he's my everything. He is my strength and my rock and the sensibility i need in my life. He is also the crazy adventurist i need and he makes me happy as anything.

Last night was the greatest night of my life. With a bottle of wine, an outside fire and you by my side, i left it all out for you and you loved me all the more. I am lost without him and i as so frightened by my desire for him. I have never wanted more. I love him to pieces.

I'm terrified of the way i love him because it's rare and new, but it's a love i've never known.
I loved/love Mike and i've loved/love JP but Ralph takes my breath away.
I look forward to when i can see him again, talk to him, I'm so truly in love with him I kinda want to puke
I'm pretty sure i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and i'm terrified to loose him

He is simple but so amazing. It is so easy to love him and love him i do.
I am mad about him and everyday i seem to get crazier about him.
I'm so frightened to fall this in love.
Today he said to me
"I had the worst day today. all i though about all day was getting to come see you. I just want to be calm and happy and you're my happy place."

I'm so in love with him. he is truly the greatest thing that ever happened to me

I've dodged a lot of bullets. I've been stupid and lost my head but came out lucky every time.
This time, i may have stepped right into the cross-fire and i'm scared as hell.
It's my fault and if it's true, we're in this together, but it serves me right.
Maybe this scare will make me smarter. I should have known better than to trust you...

I know you can't read my myspace so i'm re-posting this entry for you, basically, JP and i broke up but yeah, it's complicated...
This was posted 6/ 22

it's sad it has to end like this, but it had to end, for both of us to be stronger and for both of us to be human again.

Sometimes a quick painful blow is the best way to prevent years of agony and weeping wounds. We're both dumb and we're both foolish and we're both stubborn as hell and it's a shame. I'm tired of apoligizing for the way i am, but more then anything, I'm tired of hurting you

I loved you, and i still do, but sometimes the most you can love something is by letting it go and i hope as these wounds heal, you will come to understand that. It's not about who did what, it was that we couldn't make it right for eachother and for that i am truly sorry.

I truly love you and i foolishly wish for your friendship but mostly i wish for you to be happy. you have so much to give and so much good in you and someone else deserves to experience all the good in you the way i did. You deserve the world and i was not the girl for the job.

I am truly sorry for what we became and i wish you the best. Hopefully our paths will cross once more my darling

so i haven't posted an entry in more than a year. Basically i'm sticking to my myspace journal so go there instead cause i'll all out of ideas here.

I just don't know what the hell to do anymore.
There are no easy answers, and that blows.

summer came, summer went.
Theres been good, theres been bad.

I was drunk happy and horney...i finally got the balls to do it and you had to have it YOUR way...as usual. You turned me off, ruined it and now we're at this point....pissed,not speaking and both sexually frustrated.

Fuck you i'm a domninant female..let me play the fucking part once in awhile...i hate you right now.

I think your parents always say "you can do better," because they don't have the heart to tell you...it only gets worse.

I broke up with JP (duh) I dated some guys. Guys that are sleezy and guys that tell lies and guys who fuck you then kick you out so they don't have to see you in the morning.

We can't pick who we fall in love with, it just happens. So it just happened...and it just so happens that i love JP. He loves me, respects me and wold do anything for me. I think if we try, we can be happy. When he's around something about me feels complete, i feel so safe in his arms.

I hate guys and i don't feel like looking anymore. He left Dina because he still loved me. I thought about him all the time, because i missed him and loved him. Fine

It's never gonna get any better than this so why don't we just fall in love and make the best of it? I think it's going to be ok this time because think it took me loosing him to make me realize how much i need him and i don't want to feel that lost again.

sorry mom, dad, i don't think "better" exisits for me

You found my weak spot. Because i'm all alone, and i missed you much more than i imagined.

I lied to you, to hurt you and you lied to me to hurt me.

JP never cheated on me. He met Dina 2 days after we broke up. He already broke up with her because it was too much too soon. No shit. We're both nasty people and we're both very sorry.

I don't know what last night means in the scheam of things, but i guess i'd say we're friends. I'd say we fell asleep together and had sex in the morning, I'd say i want the first 3 months back. I'd say i have a friend again.

I'd say what the hell is going on in my brain?
I don't mind but now what kind of mistakes can i make...i shutter to think.

Everything happens for a reason.
I drove around for 3 hours last night, just to get you out of my system because i was willing to do whatever it takes to erase you from my mind.
I have a sneaking suspission it worked.

You hurt me and insult me beyond belief. That was the last time Michael.
I know I'm way too good for you anyway. I would do anything for you. anything you wanted, anything you needed...i would have bent over backwards for you but it's never enough.
You still lie to me, ignore me and treat me like shit. Funny thing is, you still jump for Carol, the one who put you in the looney bin, gave you and STD and cheated on you. Whatever, i'm not going to help you work through your issues, do it yourself. Maybe Carol can help you.


I'm offically done, i feel nothing. You can only treat me like shit for so long before i learn and i've learned the hard way.

Whatever, i'm way to pretty for this shit anyway...

No one said growing up was easy. Actually, my mom warned me about it. The truth is i couldn't stop it, and now it's falling down at amazing speeds.

The shitty thing is I miss JP and i feel like crap about the way things ended. I feel like maybe i fucked up somewhere and maybe i made the mistake, mistakes that i cannnot undo and mistakes that i have to live with. I lost my best friend, a huge piece of me is missing and i can't get it back. I just want to stop missing him so much when i'm pretty sure he's done missing me.

I think i'm choosing to be unhaoppy for another year. I know in my heart that the smartest thing for me is to go back to RI and just finish what i started and just suck it up. It's so hard to imagine with so many bad feelings and bad memories but i have to be strong. I have to get through this so i can have the life i want. I just have to try and cope with a life i don't want anymore.

I also need to put aside the most important thing to me. I need to forget Michael. I'm too afraid to loose him again and with me in RI, i know i will. I don't know how he feels about me, but i'm too afraid to ask. I'm too afraid to hear him say that he just thinks of me as a friend. I'm tired of getting hurt, i'm tired of being so in love with him and having him be so cold to me sometimes. I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't know how this situation is going to end up, but i do know i can't keep getting hurt. I need to move on somehow.

I need to stop thinking about Dave. I can't like him so much and look forward to a relationship, if there is never going to be one. I need to stop putting my trust in guys and start trusting myself.

I need to be more careful with my heart because as of now it is so bruised and broken that it's useless to me. It's very scary being jaded and used up at 22 years old.

I need an overhaul. I need to get over JP first of all. Seccondly, i need to get help for my relationship issues because i can't go through life thinking everyone is a rat. Third, i need to aleviate my financial issues. Fourth, i need to find a way to get through the next 11 months without going crazy, or slipping into another depression. Fifth, I need to find a way to shake Mike for good. And Sixth, i need to keep myself healthy.

I have so muchwork to do, but if I succede, I will not only be a much happier person but I will come out a more complete and more self-aware person.
The thing is, if I don't succede, this may very well be the death of me...

I am dead inside. I am a shell of a person. I want to cry, but i can't anymore,because i'm all dried up.
I hate everyone. I hate relationships and i hate people.
I hate that i wanted to be your friend but you hurt me.

Today i got the blow of all blows. JP has a girlfriend, and she's best friends with Jay and Kris(JP's best friends whom i loved dearly), actually, Jay and Kris introduced the two of them...4 months ago. Me and JP have been broken up for 2 weeks. He never touched her or kissed her or fucked her, but while we were together he was talking to her and hanging out with her and not telling me and that makes him a cheater.

I'm so hurt and so hollow because i still love JP. Not as a boyfriend, but as a friend and i wanted us to be friends and i came over to apoligize and to make ammends. I left crying and in hystarics, feeling like i got kicked in the stomach and stabbed in the heart. The one thing i ask is to never cheat. break if off and go do your thing, but don't decieve me. Don't make me look like a fool. i never thought he would, but he did. He's with "Dina" and he's happy, and he thinks she's great and they hang out all the time and life for JP is fuckin perfect.
Meanwhile, guys use me, abuse me and lie to me. Matt hasn't called in 3 days, big fucking deal, i wasn't interested in him anyway but it's the point not the princilpe. JP is a lying cheater and he's in a happy relationship. I'm the one who's hurt...and i'm getting hurt more.

Not only was i betrayed by JP but i was also betrayed by two good friends, after all, why would Jay and Kris introduce him to a "really cool girl" when they know he's with me?

I just feel so hurt and betrayed. I'm speechless and i can't stop crying.

I hate men but most of all i hate JP

This is the way it's ment to be. This is how i dreamed it. Nothing else makes sence to me.
No one else can hurt me like you did,and still be forgiven.
I could never love someone for four years, while i hated them at the same time.
This is love. This is my desire and you are the one who i'm ment to be with.
After so much time, he's still so familiar and so real and so the love of my life.

Last night, he made me the happiest woman in the world, and the saddest at the same time...

The other day he texted me: "How have you been?"
I text back: "fine, i can't help but be curious Mike, why all of a sudden? I don't mind, but why?"
Three days later he textes me: "Because i have a new set of eyes."

12:13 am. My phone rings, I pick up and hear his voice on the other line and it's as if time never came between us.

We talk for 3 hours, just like we used to.

He tells me how awful his life has been the past year and a half. He tells me how a month ago he tried to commit suicide, how he was in the psyc ward for 10 days because all he wanted to do was die...and he almost did. He has a dark history of this.

I think about this: And i decide that if he did die, if the last time i ever got to see the love of my life was in a coffin, never telling him i'm sorry, never telling him i loved him, never having another conversation...I went cold all over. Because the thought was so real and so so scary because i would never forgive him but most of all i would never forgive myself.

He tells me he's sorry for everything. He told me carol cheated on him and gave him an STD (oh karma). He told me he lost all his friends because of Carol, because she destroyed the life in him and made him a shell. Because she killed his love of life, she killed his relationship with his friends and his family and she killed his drive to get an education and to play music or do anything.

Basically, he told me everything i already knew. He told me everything I ever said about him and her.

"I lost the one thing that ment the most to me. I lost Some friends, and it was ok. But The one thing i regretted, the one person i missed the most is you. I never forgot you, i never stopped worring about you but i though i lost you for good and that killed me the most. Weather or not you believe me, i 'm going to tell you anyway, you were the best thing to happen to me in a long time Meliss, and i never stopped loving you. I wasted a year and a half of my life with her. A year and a half with no meaning and no happiness. I'm not wasting anymore time, you give me meaning, you make me think and i love you for that. I love you for that and everything you are. Please forgive me. I need my best friend back."

To top it off, he got accepted to Berkley. He's going back to school next spring to get his bacholers degree in music production and music technology.

I'm so proud of him.

He's still recovering and trying to get back on his feet but he's doing so well now. There is nothing shady about him anymore he is the old Mike and he's back and it's truly amazing because i've missed him for so long.

We talked about us, about Carol and JP. And about how Michael and I failed eachother with lack of communication and mixed messages. He said he never meant to use me or tease me or mislead me he just though i didn't want to bother with him because i was going off to college and he felt he would drag me down. So very not true.

He made a comment that after Berkely he wants to move to NY and get his masters and run a reccord label.
I said "I hope i'm around to see that."
He said "I hope you will be too, i hope you'll be very close around to see that."

Whatever that means, i would like it very much.

We were always so good for eachother, we really were.

He's back in my life and i'm the happiest girl in the world. I never want to loose him again.

I fucking hate you
for having me under your thumb like you do
for teasing me the way you do
for ignoring me the way you do
For making me feel the way you do
For treating me the way you do.
For giving me hope
For taking it away.
I truly hate you with all my heart

Then why can't i stop loving you

because i never expected it so when i saw the message, i lost my breath and my heart stopped beating for only a split seccond.
My first instinct was to cry because I miss him so much and I was obviously on his mind.
Because 4 days ago i seriously thought so hard about sending him a text, just to say hi...but i didn't.

Because I haven't talked to the love of my life for almost a year to the day and then, poof he sends me a message. Simple, yet so loaded with meaning it's maddening "How have you been?"

because i think it's time to rectify a lot of things. Because i want him back in my life, even if it's just as friends.

Because he's always on my mind, always in my head and I didn't have to be the one to break. He did the work for me. I hope I'm haunting him, like he's haunting me.

I hope this isn't some trick, i can't handel the aftermath again.
I need something from him, and this is a fine start.

since everyone is so gung ho about pointing fingers all of a sudden, lets get things really fucking clear.

For the first time in 6 years, I was not invited back to camp this year. I was denied the thing that means the most to me and i was given NO explination what so ever.
I did nothing but give 110%. I spent weeks of my time setting up program house, bought supplies with my own money, planned fun things for the kids and generally put my heart and soul into everything. I had the camper popularity to prove it.

It just so happened that my best friend also worked at camp. I didn't realize that having friends was a crime, if thats the case, i'm guilty. I never showed favortism. I was the 4th highest ranking person in camp, i had to maintain a professional attitude with everyone and i did. I'm sorry renee and i just seemed like we had more fun. kill me.

I do not have the time, or the energy to "turn people against other people" To be honest, i don't fucking care who likes who, i went to camp to do a job and have fun. No matter what people want to think, no one turns anyone against anyone. Cliques exist. They exist in elementary school all the way up to college. They exist in jobs, sports and even among friends. They just develop and exist, people do not create them, or control them. I'm sorry they suck, i'm sorry they hurt but it's not my fault, nor my problem. Get over it.

To "start from scratch" is a shitty idea because hey, clicques will still develop NO MATTER WHAT. stop sniveling about it and get the fuck over it. Crying to the directors is not necessary.

I'm angry, no, i'm pissed. I am not allowed to come back to camp for reasons completely unknown and even when i'm not there and even when i'm hurt beyone belief, i still get blamed for giving my all and doing nothing but love camp.
WELL FUCK YOU ALL. Fuck you people who can't grow up and get over the cruel facts of life, fuck the new director who's hypocracy will get her in more trouble than she knows and fuck all the people who called themselves a "friend" and forgot about us to save their own asses. you can all fucking rot.
and if you have ANYTHING, ANYTHING at all to say about me, i'm all ears.

i'm sick of still sitting here hurt with no answers. No one even know how upset i am.
I'm SICK OF EVERYONE'S BULLSHIT. at least you got asked back to camp, which initself is a miricle, but it's still our fault. BOO FUCKING HOO.

evryone can go to hell and cut the self-pitty bullshit cause it's getting old.

Fuck Camp Katoya...run it to the ground...

i don't know how to fall in love with one when i'm in love with another but i'm going to try.

Because Matt is so much better than Mike in every way.
I have a royal crush on Matt. My heart skips when i see him, when i get a text message, when he calls me, ...all the time. His hugs feel like heaven and cuddeling with him is exquisite. To top things off, he's remarkably brilliant and worldly.
Then why do i still think of Mike all the time?

Matt and i talked for 3 hours online...this is why i could easily fall in love with him...

Supersoul00: I figured i probably wouldnt bother you too much anyways...since you did just break up with your boyfriend a few weeks ago.... but I just wanted to let you know I am still thinking about you...always!

Supersoul00: spending time and getting to know someone new like this...it makes things much more exciting
Zoisite13: i agree...i'm all rusty i haven't one this in awhile!
Supersoul00: haha its ok. you are good, very good!

Supersoul00: Melissa= real good conversation...motivational!..inspiring! excellent cooking...and really fun to play with!
Zoisite13: haha, thanks

Zoisite13: lol no it's cool that you're more mellow than me, it balances me out
Supersoul00: ahh true true
Supersoul00: I guess that's what makes a good team
Supersoul00: two people who can balance each other out, like us

Zoisite13: am i keeping you up? i don't want to annoy you, not so soon anyway lol
Supersoul00: no way, you're not annoying me!
Supersoul00: you are so good for me, you have no idea
Zoisite13: i'm glad, i would like very much to be good for you
Supersoul00: well you are doing a great job of it

Zoisite13: hopefully we can get together soon, i miss hanging out with you!
Supersoul00: seriously, I agree... the last time i saw you, and we were laying on your bed, I definitly felt like I could have just passed out with you, OR laid there and talked with you forever
Supersoul00: unfortounatly, time was not on my side...

I wish he was here tonight, i'm so so smitten, i just hope it lasts. I hope he's the one to help me forget about mike. 4 years is long enough to love someone who doesn't love you back.

This entry goes out to all my new and shall we say slightly unwelcomed readers.
Due to a slip up on my part, many strangers and some people whom my family know, have had access to this journal. I don't care that you read this, but i do care how you interperet this.
I am extreamly blunt, and i am extreamly vulgar. I don't write in here all the time, just when i'm violently consumed with some kind of emotion.
Emotion usually gets the best of me.
If you don't really know me, you don't understand how I write, and i'm sure the underlying messages were lost on you. thats fine.
There are a few things that i would like to make blantly clear however.

First and foremost, i am not in anyway a whore, or a slut, or trashy.

Quite the contrary actually. I don't wear shorts, i don't wear short skirts, I never wear things that show my stomach or let my breasts hang out. I even wear a one piece at the beach.
I never have sex with random people and i don't have sex on the first, seccond, third or even the 10th date.
I am actually quite prude.
When i write, i write in a way that makes sex sound as nasty, vulgar and unfeeling as possible because i hate sex. I think it's disgusting and false, so when i write, please do not take my satire and mocking nature as concrete. Please don't assume i'm "easy" or sexually explicit...i'm definetly not, if anything i make fun of it.

Clarification #2: I am in no way suicidal or self mutilating. I get very angry and i use some pretty strong words, mostly curse words but when i say things like "i wish i were dead.." It's presented as a cultural expression of my lack of feeling not as an actual death wish.

If you don't know me, good. I'm 21 years old and i'm a senior in college majoring in psychology and art history. I have a job working with autistic children and working at Petco. I love my family and anything I say or do has nothing to do with them. I couldn't have been raised better but at some point, you make your own decisions, no matter how well you were taught, you are essentially your own person.

I'm sorry if i hurt anyone and i'm sorry if all this is just a misunderstanding but i think you need to know

oh i'm a sucker. Because I always fall so fast. Because when it's that amazing, you can't deny the comfort especially when it's been so bad for so long.
But i'm always careful (now) so I never fully trust and i never put myself out there, and i never give my all.

I keep my distance.

When i'm with him, i want to be a part of him. I want to talk for hours and fall asleep in his arms, because he's so smart and creative.
Because i'm already addicted to his touch, his kiss, his body, his brain. Because it's amazing how we found eachother.
I get butterflies at every text, every call...he excites me, makes me want to go live life full force.

Because we're a great match.

But i know better.
If he left me tomorrow, i would have no regrets. I would feel indifferent and i would have no trouble going back to my boring, uninspired little life.
Because love and companionship is overrated anyway.

Complete trust is too big a wepon to give anyone, least of all a man.